Nature Sucks
by Silverfox2
Summary: The Brotherhood and X-men go camping. I'm sooo sorry this took so long! please forgive me!
1. Default Chapter

Author's Note: This is my first story so be nice. Anyway, X-me n Evolution and it's characters don't belong to me so blah, blah, blah... you know the drill. And on with the first chapter.  
  
  
Nature Sucks  
  
Chapter 1: Fume Induced Dreams  
  
The bus rattled down the street, seemingly intent on hitting every single pothole on the four hour trip. This combined with the hot humid weather and the non air conditioned bus was not helping the already tense passengers. And just who were the passengers on this voyage of the damned? Well oddly enough they were the students of the Xavier Institute and Bayville High's "special" after school group. And Duncan Matthews. Why was Duncan Matthews there? Well this entire camping trip seemed like an elaborate ruse by Xavier and Magneto to torture their respective teams. As Todd Tolansky pointed out, they were all probably hoping that Duncan Matthews would never return from this trip.   
At this rate, Duncan was not even going to make it to the camp grounds.   
" Hey move it Fatso!" Poor Duncan never seemed to realize that picking a fight with the Blob was simply not in his best interests.   
" What did you say!" the large teenager roared, turning a shade of red that should be reserved for raspberries.  
" I said "move it" fatso. Jeez are ya stupid -?"  
" Arggh!" cried the Blob, grabbing Duncan by the front of the jacket. The incredibly strong teenager then started to stuff the football player out the window of the bus.   
" Scott, do something!" cried Kitty. Scott regarded the scene and replied,  
" I think I'm going to let this continue."  
With one last mighty heave, Freddie shoved the protesting Duncan the rest of the way out the window. There was a tell tale thump from outside and the sound of something skidding across the pavement. For a moment, there was silence on the bus, and then it erupted into applause.  
" Yah Freddie!"  
" Way to go big guy!"  
" You're the man!"  
Pietro Maximoff gazed at Freddie with large stars in his eyes. " Oh Freddie, I wish I could be more like you! How I admire your strength, your girth, your projected sense of perfection! I was so stupid for making fun of you , I simply didn't know how to express how much I admired you!" the slender teenager said in the most adoration filled voice imaginable.  
" YAH! Freddie you should be leader!" put in Lance.  
" None of us are worthy compared to you, man," agreed Todd. Kitty, Rouge and Mystique all had huge hearts in their eyes.  
" Oh FREDDIE!" they cooed together. Jean sauntered over to Freddie, wrapped her arms around his thick neck, and kissed him full on the lips.  
" Oh Fred, what a fool I have been," she whispered, breaking the kiss. " I never realized that you were the one for me. Let's run away together my love."  
" But what about Scott?" asked the Blob.  
" Forget Scott," Jean replied, embracing Freddie. " Your all the man I'll ever need."  
Freddie smiled and looked over Jean's head at Scott. Freddie saw Scott's stricken look and began to laugh. And he laughed....and laughed....and laughed................  
  
  
*********************************************************  
  
" Jeez, what's with this guy?" asked Pietro, motioning to Freddie. The Blob was shaking with mirth even as he slept.  
" Good dream?" suggested Todd.  
" That's got to be one hell of a dream," pointed out Lance. " The guys been laughing for almost ten minutes now". The three members of the Brotherhood watched their companion sleep for a few more moments.  
" Man, I wish I could sleep," said Todd, eyeing the sleeping Blob with envy. " But every time I close my eyes we hit one of them damn speed bumps and I'm launched into orbit. Who's idea was it to start this stupid camping trip at 5:30 in the morning?"  
" Someone with a really cruel sense of humour. And I bet I can guess who it was," said Lance, eyeing the seat in front of him.  
" If your suggesting, Mr. Alvers, that I had anything to do with this UNGODLY hour you are greatly MISTAKEN!" roared Mystique, turning around in her seat to face him. Lance shrunk away in terror. " The last thing I want to do at 5:30 is babysit a bunch of bratty, hormone driven TEENAGERS!"   
" Er, yes of course Miss. Darkholme, I wasn't suggesting anything like that," explained Lance. She eyed him for a moment then turned around in her seat muttering something about enlisting the Brotherhood in the circus. Lance stared at the seat in front of him for a moment then turned to his friends with a smile on his face.  
" Oh yah, she wants me". Pietro stared at Lance like he had just grown a second head.  
" Oh really, what exactly gave you that idea? The threats? The insults? The way she belittles you every chance she gets? Or is it the look she gives you that says...hmm it's hard to describe it...."  
" The look that says she'd like to slather you in barbecue sauce and feed you to hungry jackals?" suggested Todd.  
" Yah, that's the one!" cried Pietro. They gave each other high-fives. Lance just smiled smugly.  
" You guys don't know anything . You should have seen the way she looked at me when we first met".  
" Like she was propositioning you?" asked Pietro. Lance looked confused.  
" Yah...."  
" Man she looked at Freddie the very same way," said Pietro. Lance turned blue.  
" Whaa....."   
" And ya should have seen the way she was looking at Pietro when she saw that hologram of him, like she was looking at a slab of fresh meat, yo". Todd snickered. Lance had now turned from blue to crimson. His friends, obviously unconcerned with his health, continued recalling the ways Mystique always seemed to be hitting on them.   
" And she's always groping Todd," supplied Pietro, "Always pinching his cheeks and such," Todd rolled his eyes. He then looked at Lance.  
" I think it's just her way of doing things, ya know, how she works and stuff".  
" Maybe..." agreed Lance sullenly. He then brightened. " Or MAYBE she's got the hots for ALL of us!"   
" Oh God no," muttered Mystique. The last thing she needed were those idiots thinking she found them attractive in the slightest.  
" Give me that!" she snapped, snatching the thermos of coffee away from Sabertooth. "Mmmmm....coffee".  
" Hey, I wasn't done with that," whined Sabertooth. Mystique glared at him and he fell quiet except for some bad tempered muttering. Mystique ignored his rumblings and instead concentrated on ways she'd torture Magnus for this atrocity when she returned. Most of them involved rusty nails and vicious attack dogs.  
" Do you guys know who I think really has a thing for Todd?" asked Pietro.   
" Someone has a thing for Todd?" asked Lance.  
" I think so." replied Pietro, nodding knowingly.  
" Really? Who?" asked Todd, briefly dreaming of a beautiful super model tragically blinded in an accident.  
" Well........" replied Pietro, who was remarkably patient when it involved annoying his friends.  
" SPIT IT OUT ALREADY!" yelled Lance. Pietro smiled.  
" Nightcrawler", he replied simply.  
" Wha..wha... WHAT!" yelled Todd, mouth gaping and tongue lolling. He glanced up to where Nightcrawler was singing along with the other X-men to "Yellow Submarine" by the Beatles. " What on EARTH gave ya that idea, man!"   
" Remember when you went to the Xavier institute and fought with Nightcrawler?"  
" Yah....."  
" Remember this : Your so slow!". Pietro then winked suggestively at Todd.   
"Worst Nightcrawler impression ever," remarked Lance. Pietro ignored him.  
" He put WAY to much effort into that wink. Plus he grabbed your ass in the danger room. He's totally into you". Todd made a face.  
" Your so full of it, man".  
" No, no I agree with Pietro," remarked Lance. "The Crawler's totally into you. Wow, imagine what it would be like if Todd and Kurt could have a baby?" he shuddered " Eww...ugly bug eyed furry things.....yuck".   
" There are so many things wrong with that Lance," said Todd, also shuddering. " Ya want to know who I think Pietro has a thing for?"  
" Who?" asked Pietro, eyeing Todd suspiciously.  
" Well he's annoying, whiney and looks like he lost a bout with mange..."   
" Evan!" yelled Lance, looking pleased with himself, " It's Evan right?"  
"What about me?" asked Evan walking up the aisle and glancing at Todd. The young skateboarder had left his seat with the other X-Men at the front of the bus when he realized he didn't know any of the songs they were singing.  
" Pietro has a -"  
"Shut up Lance!" yelled Pietro, smacking Lance upside the head.   
"- thing for you." finished Todd. Evan made a face and Pietro slapped his forehead. Nightcrawler came hopping down the aisle, leapt over Mystique and sat staring at the Brotherhood, perched like some demented gargoyle.  
" What?" asked the assembled group.  
" What's with you guys? Come join the party!" motioning to the front of the bus where the X-men were now singing "Sing'in the Rain".   
" I think I'd rather have my eyes pecked out by ravenous birds." replied Lance. Nightcrawler blinked slowly.  
" Funny, that's exactly what Rogue said." They all glanced over at Rogue who was reading an old copy of 'The Vampire Lestat'.  
" What? Quit looking at me, ya weirdos," the social butterfly snapped. The others were only too happy to comply and were soon engaged in an enthralling discussion of books they had read, with the exception of Lance. This was not, as you may expect, because he hadn't read a book in his life ( quite the contrary, Lance was an avid reader) it was because he was puzzling over Rogue. Why did it always seem that when she had a choice she always seemed to sit near the Brotherhood rather then the other X-men? Was it because she actually preferred their company? Lance found the idea rather appealing. Ever since Rogue had left them to join the X-men Pietro had been the prettiest member of the Brotherhood. That was so sad it often made Lance want to cry. Lance was pondering this when the bus came to a sudden stop and everyone was thrown into a groaning pile on the floor.   
" Everyone out !" called the bus driver, who was in actuality, Logan dressed up as a bus driver. There was a mad scrambling of flailing limbs as everyone struggled to be the first off the stinking, humid and cramped bus.   
" Yes! I was the first, up yours Pietro!" cried Evan, doing a short victory dance. " Whose the best mutant, huh Pietro?....umm......Pietro?"  
" Help!" cried a voice from the bus. Evan blinked in surprise.  
" Wow man, ya didn't even make it off the bus?" Evan headed back up the stairs to see just what was taking his rival so long to vacate. " Man I knew you weren't as good as me, but..Ahhhhh!"  
" Help..." whined Pietro pathetically from where he was pinned under The Blob's massive girth. " I hurt......."   
"Opps....sorry", said Freddie, starting to roll off when he was halted by Pietro's bloodcurdling scream.  
" Owwwww! Your rotating on my spine you stupid fat ass!"   
" What did you say!" roared the large mutant, leaping to his feet with surprising agility and grabbing the smaller mutant by the shoulders and shaking him violently. " Well!?!" he cried. But one look at Pietro's swirly eyed face indicated clearly that he would not be making any sort of intelligible reply anytime soon. " Hmmph...." grunted the Blob, carrying Pietro off the bus and setting him on the ground ( Pietro almost immediately began running around in dizzy circles)   
" Welcome", called a perky looking man dressed in a blue t-shirt and tan shorts.  
" Yes, Welcome", called an equally perky woman dressed in a pink t-shirt and tan shorts.  
" I'm Mark", said the man  
" And I'm Mindy", said the woman   
" And we are welcoming you to Camp Maple Oak. Welcome!" they chorused together. Logan moved in front of the door of the bus to prevent the rush of students trying to get back on The terrified teenagers studied the pair in morbid fascination. Mark and Mindy pointed behind them with a dramatic flourish to a large sign that proclaimed proudly " WELCOME TO CAMP MAPLE OAK" and as the already depressed teenagers watched the 'C' in WELCOME came crashing to the ground.  
And thus their camping adventure began. For good or evil it still remains to be seen.  
  
  
  
  
  
End notes: Watch that episode! Nightcrawler grabs Todd's ass!! Anyway as you can tell, this chapter is pretty much pointless dialogue, but it will get better, I promise. And as for the question, How did the other Brotherhood members know how Mystique approached them when they weren't even there? Well you see, the answer is actually quite simple...( author makes mad dash for the door).   
Author's Note: This is my first story so be nice. Anyway, X-me n Evolution and it's characters don't belong to me so blah, blah, blah... you know the drill. And on with the first chapter.  
  
  



	2. Sparkplugs ARE part of Nature

Nature Sucks  
  
Chapter #2 " Spark plugs ARE part of nature"  
  
" Well now campers, it is time for us to divide you into groups", chirped Mindy. " Let's see.... you, you, you and you," she said, indicating Lance, Todd, Pietro and Freddie, " Shall be group 1".  
  
" Good for us", replied Lance without enthusiasm. Mark scanned the group and singled out Scott, Evan, Duncan and Kurt.  
  
" You guys get to be lucky #2", Mindy turned and looked at the remainder of the girls with an eerie smile on her face.  
  
" And you girls are happy group number 3."  
  
" 'Happy' group number 3?" asked Rogue.  
  
" And that leaves you three as group number 4", finished Mark, pointing to Mystique, Sabertooth and Logan. The three afore mentioned looked at each other and two snarled ( Try to guess which two, I think you'll be pleasantly surprised ).  
  
" Now your groups will want to start setting up your tents so-"  
  
" Wait a minute, we have to share tents with these people?" cried Lance. " But Freddie's huge! He'd need a tent to himself!"  
  
" And Todd smells! " pointed out Pietro. Todd and Freddie glared at their "friends."  
  
" What? It's true. Don't try to deny it." replied Lance.  
  
" Anyway" interrupted Mark " there are four campsites for you guys to chose from. And remember, only one group per campsite" The assembled mutants gazed around them.  
  
Camp 'A' was a picture perfect campsite with soft green grass, trees for shade and a babbling brook. As they watched a deer leapt gracefully by.  
  
Camp 'B' was located by a pond. A stinking, humid swamp populated by thousands of mosquitoes. As they watched a very poisonous looking snake slid into the water.  
  
Camp 'C' was on the Beach. Literally. As they watched a wave crashed over the sign marking the site.  
  
Camp ' D' was in the parking lot.  
  
Pietro eyed Kurt. Kurt eyed Pietro. And in a flash they were gone and a lot of commotion was heard from campsite 'A' as the two mutants fought violently over the marker.  
  
" Hand it over fuzz face"  
  
" Over my dead body you blatantly homosexual adrenalin junkie."  
  
" I am NOT an adrenalin junkie...er.... I mean I am not blatantly homosexual!" The remaining male members of the X-men and Lance and Todd ran up to support their respective team mates. Freddie watched the ensuing melee in silence for a moment, then charged forward with a mighty cry.  
  
" Arggghhhh!" The Blob hit the group of teenage males hard and they went scattering like bowling pins.  
  
" Camp A belongs to the Brotherhood! Clear out X-geeks!" The grumbling guys were forced to vacate or risk anther confrontation with Freddie . " Gee, sorry about that guys" apologized Freddie as he helped Lance out of the tree where he had landed.  
  
" No harm done big guy, at least you got rid of the nerd infestation." Meanwhile Scott was rallying the 'nerds' to him.  
  
" Okay, so we lost Camp A, but there is nothing saying we can't still get a good camp site." He started to jog off, " Everyone follow me to- ahh, crap" The girls waved cheerfully from where they were sitting by the Camp C sign. Scott sighed, " Well what about Camp.....crap" Logan , Mystique and Sabertooth were unhappily pitching their tent by the swamp..  
  
" Ah man, we have to sleep in the parking lot" whined Evan.  
  
" How the hell are we supposed to pitch a tent on concrete?" asked Duncan. " Way to go Summers!" Scott was just about to blast Duncan out of existence when Mindy intervened.  
  
" You guys will just have to make due with what you have."  
  
" What on earth do we have other then a patch of concrete?"  
  
" Each other!" Mindy chirped excitedly  
  
" How is that an asset?" grumbled Scott, glancing over to where Kurt was attempting to pull their tent out of it's sack with little or no success.  
  
Meanwhile at Camp A the Brotherhood were having problems of their own.  
  
" Man these instructions are in every language but English" complained Todd. " I don't even know if I'm holding this thing right side up." Lance wandered over and studied the instructions for a moment.  
  
" I can't even tell what languages this is in" he said at last, turning them over and studying them once again. " It almost looks like Arabic or Chinese or something....."  
  
" Well I guess we will just have to wing it, I mean how hard can it be?" asked Pietro, picking up the sack containing their tent. " In fact I can have it done in a second!" And with that he was off.  
  
At Camp B things "seemed" to be going fine. Sabertooth and Logan being the rugged, smelly outdoors man they were had succeeded in pitching their tents competently. And were now sitting across from each other, staring intently at one another in complete silence. Mystique who was rather enjoying the moment of respite was in the tent, trying to keep the water from seeping in the sides.  
  
" Waterproof my ass, the stupid piece of junk. Well at least those to idiots have decided to stay silent." With that well timed statement the dam broke, so to speak, and the two male mutants lunged for each others throats.  
  
" TIME TO DIE WOLVERINE!" cried Sabertooth as he lunged at Logan.  
  
" OVER MY DEAD BODY!" roared Wolverine. Sabertooth stopped mid pounce and looked at his long time rival.  
  
" Well yah, that would be the idea."  
  
" Shut up. "  
  
" No, you shut up!"  
  
" You shut up!"  
  
This conversation could have gone on for quite sometime but fortunately they were both distracted by a raccoon and ran off after it.  
  
The girls were having problems of their own. For the fifth time Rogue tried to nail a peg into the shifting sand to no avail.  
  
" AARGGHH! This is just dumb! Remind me again why we CHOSE this camp anyway?"  
  
Kitty smiled apologetically.  
  
" Sorry you guys, I thought it would be like a vacation....guess I was wrong" Rogue stared at her for a while longer and then went back to trying to fix the peg.  
  
The X-boys ( and Duncan ) cried out in horror as yet anther peg was horribly bent as Kurt wisely tried to drive it into solid concrete.  
  
" Stop it you idiot!" cried Scott for the tenth time " It's not going to work! We're going to have to use rocks to hold it or something!"  
  
At the Brotherhood tent things seemed fine....  
  
" Well it looks good Pietro," said Lance at last. " But what are all these extra pieces for?" He pointed to a pile of poles, pegs and other odds and ends.  
  
" How the hell should I know?" replied Pietro. " It's standing isn't it?"  
  
" Upside down " remarked Todd.  
  
" Shut up frog face!"  
  
Two hours later the tents were finely set up. Pietro looked from Evan to their tent and laughed.  
  
" What a crappy tent!"  
  
" SHUT UP PIETRO!" yelled Evan, spiking up.  
  
" That's the ugliest thing I have ever seen!"  
  
" I AM WARNING YOU"  
  
" Next to your face I mean!" finished Pietro.  
  
" ARRGHH!" cried Evan, launching spikes at Pietro, who nimbly dodged. The spikes stood quivering in the cement. Scott stared at them for a moment, and began turning a bright shade of red.  
  
" Evan..." his calm voice contrasted oddly with the angry look on his face, " If your spikes can stick into solid cement, why didn't you use them to peg the tent up?" Evan blinked.  
  
"Uhhhhhh....." Pietro began to laugh maniacally. Evan glared, then meekly looked back at Scott. "Well...at least the tent is up now."  
  
The tent promptly collapsed inward with Kurt trapped inside.  
  
"......."  
  
"Help!!! What has happened! It's dark and I'm frightened!" Kurt wailed from inside.  
  
"Arrrgh!!!!!" cried Scott, stomping around the camp site.  
  
" Oh...that's helpful," remarked Duncan, quickly moving a pair of binoculars out of Scott's path of destruction. " At least we can use the spike kid to do it properly this time".  
  
"Well," Scott began, " If he had only used them in the first pla-" Scott suddenly stopped and glanced at Duncan in shock. It was at that moment that all the mutants realized that they had been using their powers in front of Duncan all day.  
  
"What are we going to do!????!!!!!" yelled Kitty." He knows about us! He knows we're mutants!!!!!"  
  
"So", Duncan said. He looked at a very fuzzy and blue Kurt." Frankly I expected worse."  
  
Lance shook his fist at him. "What's that supposed to mean?"  
  
" Oh nothing."  
  
On that note, Mark piped up" Well campers... it's time for lunch! Start cooking your pine cones!"  
  
" We have to eat pine cones?" asked Rogue.  
  
" Pine cones are delicious and nutritious," explained Mindy.  
  
" You fell down a lot when you were a child, didn't you?" said Mystique.  
  
"That's none of your business," replied a flustered Mindy. " now started cooking."  
  
The campers grumbled as they set to work preparing their fires.  
  
" This is stupid!" cried Kitty! " Every time we start a flame, a wave puts it out."  
  
" I say we just eat someone else's pine cones," mumbled Rogue.  
  
"Now guys," began Jean, " We chose this campsite and now we have to try our hardest to persevere over the hardships it seems to be giving us. See! I finally got the wood to catch fire!"  
  
A wave promptly stole the newborn flame's life away.  
  
" Aw crap" said Jean.  
  
Meanwhile Logan and Creed were ravenously devouring their pine cones raw, while Mystique looked on in horror. " You animals!"  
  
Both looked up with flecks of pine cone dribbling down their chins.  
  
" What?" they asked. Mystique just shuddered.  
  
Kurt looked enviously at the Brotherhood's site, where they were merrily toasting their pine cones over their dancing campfire, while he and his tent-mates scoured the parking lot for bits of wrappers and debris.  
  
" Aw this bites!"Evan reached over and picked up a sparkplug, then tossed it away in disgust. " Where are we suppose to find kindling in a parking lot?!!!"  
  
Kurt picked up the sparkplug Evan had discarded. " I found a sparkplug! Will that help?"  
  
" No!" yelled Scott, from where he was trying to set a chip bag on fire. Kurt ignored him and tried to burn away his treasure anyway. " We need something that doesn't burn that fast." Scott eyed his melting bag, which was giving off a bad smell. " Or give off noxious gas."  
  
" Plus we're out of matches," pointed out Duncan. " Fuzz boy just used our last ones trying to burn that sparkplug."  
  
" KURT!!!!" cried Scott!!!  
  
" Oops." Kurt looked at the empty package. " No problem, we'll just have to light the fire the old fashion way. You know, by rubbing sticks."  
  
" Okay," said Duncan, " Number one...you're an idiot. Number two...we don't have any sticks in our parking lot. And number three...even if we did, I don't think any of us know have to build a fire by rubbing sticks together anyway!!!"  
  
" Well at least I'm trying!" huffed Kurt.  
  
Duncan looked at Scott's melted goop, then glanced over at the Brotherhood's fire. Then back at the goop. " You know.... the sideshow rejects over there have plenty of firewood, and matched. We could ' borrow' some of their's......" he saw Evan already grappling with Pietro over some logs.  
  
" Those are my logs" cried Pietro!!  
  
" I don't see your name on them!"  
  
" Give them to me!"  
  
"Don't be such a selfish jerk"  
  
"Stop me"  
  
As they bickered Kurt "bamfed" over and pilfered an armload of wood. He disappeared just as Todd left at him, causing him to crash into the pile of heavy log.  
  
"Owchy! Ouchy!" he muttered from his banged up position. Fred started to chase after them when lance put his hand on his arm.  
  
" Don't bother," Lance smirked. " Without these, that fire wood will be no good to them." With a flourish he held up a pack of matches.  
  
" Damn it!" cried Evan from his position on top of Pietro. He jumped up and ran at Lance, who knocked him over as soon as he got close. The rest of the Brotherhood all began to laugh.  
  
"I hate you!" Evan stomped back to his campsite. " Stupid, no good Maximoff....."  
  
Scott sighed as Evan came over, and he and his tent-mates, resigned themselves to miserably eating their pine cones raw. As soon as they finished, Lance came over with a sparkle in his eye and a mischievous grin.  
  
" Did you enjoy your pine cones?"  
  
" What do you think?" muttered Duncan.  
  
" Probably would of been better cooked" Lance continued.  
  
"Not much," whispered Todd with a grimace to Fred. Fred lightly knocked him over.  
  
"What's you point?" asked Scott, eying Lance.  
  
"Just curious......why didn't you just, light the fire with your retarded eye beams?"  
  
Scott stared for a second, then began to swear profanely.  
  
" Way to go Summers" said Duncan.  
  
" We could of had burned pine cones, Scott!" complained Kurt.  
  
" I guess now you have to stop ragging on me over that spike incident, eh, Scott." finished Evan.  
  
The end of Chapter 2  
  
Authors notes: well, they say absence makes the heart grow fonder, but I guess five months between updates is a little ridiculous. Please don't hate me!!!!! I'll try to do better next time!!!! Oh.. And by the way, Mark and Mindy don't care about the mutant's powers either, just like that military guy in Survival of the Fittest didn't. So there. (sticks tongue out) 


End file.
